I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
So we got a goldfish…
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.