I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.