I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.