[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?