I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
This is my brand.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”