I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
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Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Weighing up my bread heating options
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.