@SavageDabs69

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

You Might Also Like

@SardonicTart

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

@banged_upCanuck

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

@abbycohenwl

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

@aster7_m

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

@jzux

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

@Xeriland

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

@Discourt

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

@OrdinaryAlso

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.