@SavageDabs69
@SardonicTart [Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
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@SardonicTart 
@banged_upCanuck Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
@abbycohenwl [Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
@aster7_m went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
@jzux me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
@Xeriland It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
@Discourt Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
@WhatevaConc Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
@ShortSleeveSuit ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
@OrdinaryAlso brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.