I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

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[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.


Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”


[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it


went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …


me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre


It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.


Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.


brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.