I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.