I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact