I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted