I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
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Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement