I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
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Match dot com, but for socks.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.