Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

had to share :’)

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

best first i’ve ever seen

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

I’m Sold!