I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
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Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Seems legit
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My relationship with tea has always been strained.