@DoufSaid

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

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@briancthayer

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

@RhetoricRoll

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

@Browtweaten

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

@UncleDuke1969

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

@thatdutchperson

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

@thepaulasuzanne

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

@KrangTNelson

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman