I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
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Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Imma just leave this here…………
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.