Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
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This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
*finally touches toes*
WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
*rewinds tape with a pencil*
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman