I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
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Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit