I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
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when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party