i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
…u ok Nintendo?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.