@OldUncleDaveO

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

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@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@BarryVonAwesome

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

@_radsy

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

@AudreyPorne

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

@JohnLyonTweets

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

@bazecraze

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

@Knob_ish

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!