I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
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I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I missed you with all my darts
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that