I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
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I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭