I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.


I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.


DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium


I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?



[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”


Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables


I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere


If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.


*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.


In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.