I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
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My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
