I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
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Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
meow
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?