I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
i will not be silenced
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
When he asks for feet pics
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence