I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Finally!
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest