@marcusthetoken

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

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@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

@Nickadoo

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

@mazizkhalifa

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

@KevinFarzad

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

@iamspacegirl

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

@OyVeyLady

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

@Cheeseboy22

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

@KayRants

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

@YesitsAl

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now