I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
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Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
looks legit
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.