I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.


My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.


her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?


1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease


Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.


My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.


If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think


Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.


We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.