I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.