@marcusthetoken

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

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@1Happytwit

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

@THEDUTHCHESS

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

@CAshmanActor

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

@ElizaBayne

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

@slimmy_shady

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

@MelvinofYork

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

@TurboJellyBean

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

@a_simpl_man

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.