I don’t hate children, just yours.
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
2023 was just a warmup
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.