Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size