Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

this is the best day of my life

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone