I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
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”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
are they though??
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Got ya covered