I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
New tinder profile pic
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.