I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

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In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.


Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?


I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.


Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math


My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.


What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.


[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*


Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.


Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.