I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
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What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative