“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
That’s a good costume, I hope.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
The happy life.. 😊
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
