I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.