I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
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NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Are we there yet?…
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.