I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
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Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.