I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
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People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Breaking news:
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Breaking news:
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…