I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!