I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
crazy
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love