I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I think the cat got the dog high.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?