I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
You Might Also Like
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!