Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

Optional boss fight.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR