I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food