“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
How software testing works
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.