i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind