I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.