I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
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Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?