I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
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Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs