I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
⛄️
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.