i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
🍞🦆
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Flowers bee like
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing