“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what