I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
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Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
are they though??
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Worst perfume name ever.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.