I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.


My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.


Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.


For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me


The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.


The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.


You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]


I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.


Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”


[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]