I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
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Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.