I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
are there any atheist mantises?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”