I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.