Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden